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Friday, December 25th, 2009

moon_beam

4:55p merry christmas to all of you that celebrate. won't lie, must be nice to get things. when i have kids i'm gonna do eid gifts and start my own traditions. it's gonna be awesome. have sandy clause or something. (ok, kidding on that last part). watching kobe and lebron!

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Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

moon_beam

12:18a ( what's weird is, i never smile with my teeth )

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Monday, December 21st, 2009

moon_beam

2:56p when i was 6 and 7 years old, i used to dream about having blonde hair and wearing mini skirts.

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moon_beam

2:19p one afternoon i was waiting at the bus stop for the shuttle to the library. it had rained earlier and there were puddles all over the parking lot. i was sitting on the covered bench and a boy walked over intensely preoccupied with his iphone. his backpack zipper was open completely with his books moments away from falling in a puddle. i told him his backpack was open, and that his stuff looked as though it may fall out. he barely looked at me, zipped it up, mumbled a quick thanks and continued with his iphone. almost shocked that i had told him, it seemed he didn't even know how to offer a response.

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Sunday, December 20th, 2009

moon_beam

11:28p very sad about brittany murphy's passing. in all of her interviews she was always so charming, funny, honest and genuine. so awkward in an endearing way. it was quite obviously drugs that killed her because i can't really imagine what else would cause a heart attack at 32. i sometimes wonder if she really did feel like tai from clueless.

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moon_beam

9:47p going to pakistan 2 years ago has almost left me feeling like i made a mistake. i don't think i've been quite the same since. i talked to a friend about this one time. it's weird how americans interact with each other, and it was only magnified when i came back. i remember thinking conversations seemed very rehearsed. everything felt so scripted. this is what you're supposed to say when someone asks how you are. this is how you're supposed to smoke a cigarette. this is how long you look at a person before it becomes uncomfortable and you turn away. it's just funny how this is supposed to be "the melting pot" but i often found more diversity in pakistan regardless of the fact that everyone looked the same. i left pakistan feeling very hurt. one thing we did before we left my mom's town was go to the cemetery to see my grandparent's graves. we picked pink flowers from the house to place on them. when we got there i stared at the gravestones, side by side. i realized at that point, that they never really knew me. and i never really knew them. it broke my heart. i was angry, sad, hurt. angry that my parents moved to the states and deprived me of so many relationships with my extended family. i cried, not only because my grandparents were gone, but i was mourning the displacement i've always felt. i was mourning the fact that they only knew me based on what my mother told them, and the few visits i had there when i was young. i was mourning the fact that i couldn't attend either of their funerals. it was all laid out there before me. all the times my parents said i couldn't stay over friend's houses because they didn't trust anyone. all the times i couldn't go out because movies and shows were 'the unknown'. the friday nights and sunday mornings i spent at the islamic weekend school, being made to feel bad about all the things i should be doing. wearing leggings in gym because muslims girls don't show their legs. being terrified that a boy would call my house even if they were a just a friend. feeling alienated and losing friends because no one understood any of my restrictions, and worst of all neither did i. and so. i cried. and the tears wouldn't stop. i stared out the window of my aunt's white toyota and watched the fields pass by leaving behind so many memories i never really had the opportunity to create.

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moon_beam

1:23a i went today with a group of muslim kids to make bagged lunches and deliver them to a homeless shelter. i only went because the guy i know that put it together said that we'd only be there to pass out the lunches and talk. we wouldn't be there to talk about islam or do preaching of any kind. i liked that idea. in my mind, actions have always spoken louder than words. we're not here because we want you to be muslim. we're here because we want to be. it was a depressing complex. we were shown one of the rooms. outdated furniture, vhs tapes, the smell of stale cigarettes. i often sit in one corner of my room next to the floor heater. there's a small map of the world taped to my bookcase. i look at it and often wonder if there are more people hurting than happy.

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Friday, December 18th, 2009

moon_beam

5:04p sensitive. i've always been afraid of the word. especially in reference to myself. that's what makes women irrational. that's why you can't have women in high powered positions. that's why they are so hard to be in relationships with. that's why they make quick decisions without any rhyme or reason. but, i've recently realized that i can no longer reject something that is such a big part of who i am. maybe depression causes hypersensitivity. maybe it's the way i've grown up. but it's there. i no longer consider it a flaw in my personality or ignore that it's there. that's where my expectations of friendships and relationships come from. that's why i can't express how i'm always feeling because i want to be taken seriously. people's words cut me like a knife, sharp and quick without any afterthought. i have conversations in my mind, sometimes out loud telling myself that that's not what they meant. it's why i walk away from conversations sometimes with a lump in my throat, and tears that disappear as quickly as they formed. being this way has hurt me more than it has helped me, but i wouldn't change it for anything. however, i can no longer keep up a facade that words slide of my back and that i can't be broken. it's not about being a woman or a man and which emotions come from being either. it's about being me. take it or leave it.

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Wednesday, December 16th, 2009

moon_beam

6:21p i'm going to try and write here more often. seems many people have left, but it's still the only place i really feel comfortable writing. can't say i don't miss the feedback, but i know those days are long gone. most of my strong long distance friendships have been made thru here, but i guess the novelty just isn't there any longer. there are no celebrities involved, games or applications. i guess maybe that's why i keep coming back. the other day i was thinking about nuances. and how it's hard to ever pick up on most people's if you're not in close contact with them very often. i think that's the appeal of relationships and close friendships. knowing that you know someone's nuances is a very special thing, i think. how someone yawns, the way they eat their food, how they tie their shoes, the way they laugh and what they laugh at. as i've grown older i've become more of an observer and i love watching the way people react to situations, other people, music, social situations, etc. i'd like to some day share the things i do with someone. when i take baths i rarely fill the water to the top because i feel like it's wasteful. i lay there sometimes for 20 minutes. sometimes face first holding my breath until i can't any longer. i think about living near a large body of fresh water some day and sitting on the edge. i'll re-watch particular scenes of movies that move me over and over again, get something different from them every time. i stare at photographs of audrey hepburn, and watch videos of her because her voice makes me feel safe. i try to imagine how anyone that charming could ever really exist. i write things in notebooks or school books lightly in pencil. things that i'm thinking. and i quickly erase them. i dream a lot about death and suicide, but not in the way one would think. i think of different scenarios, series of events, the general reaction, my fate. i'd rather have soups and drink tea to save my money, than ask my parents for more. i used to really love writing letters but i haven't had anything constant in a while. i'm not sure what it is, but from a young age i was always fascinated by the mail system and receiving something from someone living far away. it's physical, tangible, something i could hold in my hand. it was real. i used to wear a lot of hats but now they sit stacked on my bedposts. my parents conditioned me to not communicate my feelings or defend myself. i've carried that into both my friendships and relationships. it was always easier and often times less scary to just sit and listen. i always have my toe nails painted but rarely my finger nails. i day dream a lot, especially while i'm driving. different music makes me think about different things. i cry often. not always because i'm sad. but because i think it's good to do every now and then. i think a whole lot about contacting my mentor from high school who was essentially my confidant, therapist, friend and oftentimes savior. but something is stopping me. i have an irrational fear that he's very ill or has died. i'm not sure where this came from, but it keeps me from contacting him. i still have a black and white photograph i bought him from a street vendor at a small fair in hungary back in 2004. i look at it sometimes and tuck it away back into my drawer and tell myself it's just not time yet. i think about my ancestors a whole lot. which ones drank, did drugs, dealt with depression, had senses of humor, didn't believe in god, had style, were intellectuals, musicians, wrote, unrequited loves. when i get blemishes on my face it really bums me out because it reminds me of the time when both my cheeks were covered in them entirely. how bad i felt about myself and didn't want to go out in public because of it. the scars are reminder enough. i like watching films about friendships and love, and then i romanticize both in my mind. i like laughing very loud and being told outrageous and unbelievable things. one of my favorite things to do is sit outside in the sun and watch people, birds, insects, clouds and trees. i like coming inside and smelling like i've been outside all day. a mix of grass, sweat, and my own smell. i like the stillness and quiet of 5am. i like looking at people's features. their fingers, earlobes, jawlines, toes, eyebrows. i like watching how people pick up their glass to take a drink. they way they hold their fork. how they cross their legs. i hate most holidays because they magnify the disconnect i feel from american culture, how i have no extended family here and that i no longer have any living grandparents. i tell most people that i don't trust anyone besides my immediate family, but really i'm wishing that i could some day. not only trust, but rely and depend on someone with certainty. i love when i make people laugh or they think i'm generally funny. especially when i know they are hard to get a laugh out of. i hum a lot, and mostly do it when i'm on the phone with someone and we are silent for a long period of time. i have always been all or nothing, which has had a tendency to be my downfall.

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moon_beam

2:15p can't wait for this to come out. i never thought i could grow more fonder of ted, until he started tweeting at me.

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moon_beam

3:08a so, i'm in the process of helping to organize a girl's rock camp houston. i'm really excited about it and i'm going to be holding a workshop on self esteem and body image. i would have killed for something like this at that age (especially the workshop i'm working on) and feel like it really would have positively influenced me and made me feel better about growing up in general. an issue came up at tonite's meeting and i've been thinking about it a whole lot. many camps around the country are really divided on this issue and i can see why. the issue is whether male instructors should be allowed at the camp. to some people it's very obvious. i spoke to my brother about it and he immediately said, "well, that would be like a girl scout troop having a male leader. just doesn't make sense". this camp is not just about music, and anyone enrolling their daughter knows that. it's about building self esteem, empowerment, role models, breaking stereotypes, creating a safe space and demonstrating the fact that women are capable and qualified to possess all the skills of their male counterparts. having a female instructor in and of itself is demonstrating all of these things. to learn a skill from a strong woman makes that skill a lot more attainable in the mind of a young girl. as adults we all know and are well aware of the fact that as men and women we can easily obtain a skill, learn how to play an instrument, etc. but it's important to remember that these are young girls. they are bombarded with images of what they are (and aren't) expected to be. there is no riot grrl movement to turn to, and all they've got are overly sexualized depictions of women whose voices are just as (if not more) important as their looks in the eyes of the media. these girls aren't exposed to zines, indie music, and feminism. they are exposed to seventeen magazine, the pussycat dolls and miss america. we have to look at why a girl's rock camp exists in the first place and the gender socialization that has effected rock music. if a disparity didn't exist, there would be no need for a girl's rock camp. it is there because young girls are less likely to pick up instruments and form bands. not because they are genetically programmed not to, but because society has set it up in a way that it is not something girls are generally encouraged to do. in the girl's rock camp film, some of the girls find it hard to even let out a loud scream. to have a male instructor would show them, "this is a skill you can learn from me, but in the long run it's people like me that do this and become good at it." when i see carrie brownstein play guitar i feel empowered and proud to be a woman. i don't feel that way when i see tim armstrong. the level of comfort they would feel around a woman vs a man is also a factor. i think back to myself at that age and how i would feel in terms of comfort, and i would hands down want a woman instructing me over a man any day. creating a safe space is so important in a setting like this because their insecurities and shyness are what we are trying to get them to overcome. there will be five girls to a classroom with one instructor, therefore it is a very intimate setting. someone mentioned there not being women in a particular area of expertise, which would require males to take on those workshops/areas of instruction. but isn't that what this whole process is about? recognizing that disparity? questioning why it exists? this is a learning process about sexism for us as much as it is for the girls. it only means we might have to look harder for women in those fields, and that's ok. that's what all of this is about. it is likely that our camp will have male instructors. my hope is that this does not hinder the process for the girls or make them apprehensive or afraid to fully be themselves, make mistakes and feel comfortable. we owe them that much.

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